CONFLICT IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE STRONGER
Have you ever noticed after an argument or disagreement, that your relationship with the other person, whether it is a friend, a relative or a spouse, is often closer and better than
before the argument?
On the other hand, haven't we all experienced destructive conflict? You can recall instances where an argument escalated, emotions got out of control, harsh words were spoken, and the people in the conflict said and did things that were very destructive, and damaged the relationship sometimes permanently.
What is the difference between these two scenarios.
In some situations, the difference may lie in the intent of the people involved. Sometimes people get involved in arguments or conflicts out of a desire to injure the other person, but this is rare. Most often, angry or destructive interactions are a result of lack of skillful communication ability, and of defensive, fearful reactions that are frequently disguised as aggressive or angry statements.
I am convinced that having an explicit set of ground rules. Agreed to by both spouses in advance. (ground rules that each party agrees will govern arguments, disagreements and disputes) can make a critical difference in whether the dispute makes you closer, or whether it damages the relationship-
You can think of a set of ground rules as forming a protective barrier around you and around the relationship. As long as you both stay within the barrier, you are safe and secure from the more damaging elements of conflict. As Robert Frost famously said, "Good fences make good neighbors".
Below are a set of ground rules I have found helpful, effective, and even essential to keeping a disagreement on track to resolution with dignity. By committing to each other to honor these ground rules, and thus to honor each other, parties have taken an important first step toward creating an atmosphere where constructive dialogue can occur. Equally importantly, they have made commitments to create safety and respect in the dialogue, so that the discourse can be honest, open, and safe.
First Principle - Respect. Be respectful. Honor the other person, and treat them with dignity. This person was made in the image of God, and is worthy of respect for that reason if for no other. Additionally, Christ laid down his life for this person. If the person is your spouse, you at one time fell in love with him or her, and made some powerful promises to him or her. Even if you disagree strongly with what she is saying, listen carefully and respectfully.
Second Principle - Truthfulness.
The second guiding principle is honesty, or truthfulness. Speaking the truth in love requires that you be truthful and kind. This is harder than you might think. We tend either to "pull our punches", and not be open and honest because we want to protect the other person from the truth, or we tend to be brutally honest,"...give no regard for how what we say - or how we say it - will affect our spouses."
Bear in mind that you and your spouse know each other extremely well, and the subtext of what you say, and the way you say it, is at least as important as the spoken content of your words. Tone of voice, facial expressions, volume, and choice of words can all make an enormous difference. There is a world of difference between saying "that dress makes you look fat", and saying "the other dress looks so much better on you". "Well, it's true!!"
However, a commitment to truthfulness is not nearly enough. Some of the most harmful and destructive things I have said were justified by my statement to myself?
Third Principle: Specific Commitments.
Ask for, and be willing to make, an explicit agreement to follow these guidelines.
1. No name calling
2. No "zingers"
3. No interruptions
4. Take turns speaking; strive for equal "Air time"
5. "Use active listening- user friendly body language."
6. Reflect back what you heard before you respond
7. Agree that only one person will be angry at a time.
8. Avoid the use of these words: " always"; "never"; "should"; "shouldn't."
9. Ask permission from the other person to raise difficult topics; choose a mutually agreeable time and place. "There's something bothering me. Can we talk about it? When would be good for you?"
10. Never argue in front of the kids, in laws, or friends. Speak in private, and if necessary with a neutral intermediary who can mediate the dispute.
11. Resolve the issue in real time. Ephesians 4:28 says "Be angry, and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, and do not give the devil a foothold." The principles here are clear: don't try to resolve things when your blood is boiling, but don't let your angry turn to ice cold bitterness either." If something is bothering you, let your spouse know that you are upset, and that you would like to talk about it. Even if you can't discuss and resolve the dispute immediately, you can make an appointment to do so.
12. Choose your words carefully. Anger is not license to give ventilation to your feelings with hurtful words. "Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths." Avoid the use of profanities, obscenities, and vulgar language. We suffer from the delusion that these words make us more powerful, when exactly the opposite is true. Also, we think that giving vent to angry words will make us feel better. They don't. It actually makes us feel worse. The sound of our own angry words coming into our ears fuels the fires of wrath burning within us, and actually makes us angrier. This leads to escalation, and to saying things we don't believe or mean, in an attempt to get the other's attention or to vent our own emotions.
13. Stay on point. Talk about the first issue first, and don't change the subject in an attempt to deflect attention away from an uncomfortable topic.
14. No threats, no ultimatums, no disruptive terminations of the conversation, such as walking out of the room and slamming the door. Instead, have an agreement that either person can call a break at any time, or the other will honor the request.
15. Listen for understanding. These three words can change your life. When your spouse is upset about something, listen carefully to what they are saying. What are they upset about? Why are they upset? This is much harder than you might think. In "Listening for understanding", your goal as a listener is not to agree with what is being said, nor is it to make any changes to what you do. Rather, your goal is understand what is being communicated well enough that you can "restate" what your spouse said in your own words well enough that he says "Yes," that is exactly what I meant. You will be amazed at how often a restatement of what you heard results in the argument being over. Your spouse often may not want you to agree; just to understand!
16. If you learn that you are wrong, admit it. You know, you are right and I was wrong." Apologize in those cases. Say you are sorry, and why you are sorry. I can see that what I said hurt your feelings. I am truly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, and I will do my best not to do that again.
17. Monitor your emotions. If you feel yourself getting angry and upset, ask for a time out. Go for a walk, take a break, and get away from the situation for at least a few minutes, until the flooding of emotions ends. If something was said that created a flood of emotion, take the time out and try to figure out what it was that lead to the disproportional response, either in yourself or in your spouse.
18. Support the person, attack the problem. Presume the best motives you can under the circumstances. 1 Cor. 13 says "Love believes all things." Perhaps a more complete way to say it is "Love believes all things it is possible to believe". Believe the best about the other person, and don't jump to conclusions. We tend to judge others by their actions, and we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions.
19. Choose what you say wisely. You may have dozens of well-intentioned corrections you can make. Some of the least helpful and most foolish things I have ever said I justified by saying "Well, it's true!!" Truth alone is not sufficient. I have heard many things expressed that were true, and also unhelpful and unwholesome. Consider Eph. 4:29-32. "but only what is useful to build others up according to their need, that it may benefit those who hear." What we say needs not only to be true, but also needful, useful, beneficial, and capable of being heard by the person we are speaking to. If the other person is not listening, nor capable of absorbing what you want to communicate, then don't do it.
20. Control your tongue. Yet according to James 3 "No man can tame the tongue". Ask and pray that God will put a check on your tongue.